Research indicates that over 62 percent of women fantasize about having sex with someone other than their husband. In my 43 years of counseling couples, I’ve worked with many men who also are not interested in sex with their wives. The problem is generally not a lack of sexual desire — it’s that they are not interested in sex with their partner.
There is a very good reason for this.
Love-making in long-term relationships is the result of loving energy flowing between two people. If something is blocking this loving energy, the sexual energy between them often gets blocked as well.
There may be many reasons for loving and sexual energy being blocked, but the most common is what I call the “pull-resist relationship system.”
Here’s an example of how this system works:
Bill “pulls” on his wife, Jan, for time, approval, attention and appreciation, as well as for sex. Bill may pull with niceness, caretaking (giving in order to get something back), gifts, withdrawal, anger or blame. These behaviors are a “pull” because Bill is coming from an empty place within, a vacuum-like black hole that wants to get filled through approval, validation and sex. In fact, sex is the main way, aside from work, that Bill’s worth as a man gets validated and his inner emptiness gets filled up. It’s the main way he feels happy and loved.
Jan does not feel loved by the niceness and gifts, and certainly not by Bill’s withdrawal, anger and blame. Instead, she feels objectified. She feels that Bill is being nice or angry to manipulate her into having sex — not because he genuinely wants to give to her and express his love for her, but because he wants to get love from her. He comes to her like a needy little boy, wanting to get validated, filled or released. She ends up feeling used and drained when they have sex, rather than loved. Because she doesn’t want to be used and controlled by Bill, and because she is not attracted to him when he is being needy, her whole body goes into resistance and she no longer feel sexually attracted to him. Of course it could be the other way around, with the woman pulling and the man resisting being used and controlled by her.
In this pull-resist system between Bill and Jan, a number of changes need to occur for the passion to come back into their relationship. Bill needs to stop trying to control Jan. He needs to learn how to take responsibility for his own feelings and well-being – for validating himself and filling himself with love, rather than always trying to have control over getting something from Jan. Jan needs to learn to speak her truth, rather than either complying (having sex even when she doesn’t want to) or resisting. She needs to tell Bill that she is not turned on to him when he is pulling on her for sex, or for anything else such as time, attention or approval. Until she is ready to speak her truth about Bill’s emptiness and neediness, without blame or judgment, Bill cannot understand what the problem is. He will think it is just because she is frigid or resistant or has some other sexual problem, and will not understand his responsibility in their marital system.
Most heterosexual women are turned on to a man when he is in his power, feeling good about himself. Neediness is not a turn-on. Men, too, are often not turned on to a needy woman, a woman who needs him to make love to her for her to feel safe, worthy and lovable. The same holds true in homosexual relationships. In our society, it’s more common for men to attempt to get their validation through sex than it is for women, which is why more men than women pull for sex. In either case, both partners need to do their Inner work so they can become strong enough to be loving with themselves and each other.